Thank You, U2

Dear U2,

I must admit, I’m a little embarrassed. You weren’t on my shopping list this holiday, so I don’t have anything to give you and you’ve taken the time to download your new album onto my phone and computer. It’s sweet, really, and not the least bit invasive.

My other gifts were sweet too, but didn’t do enough to invade my personal space. My roommate did get me an awesome t-shirt, Star-Lord as Super Mario jumping for a star over black, but I had to put it on myself. We sleep in the same apartment, and she didn’t feel comfortable enough to sneak into my room in the night and put it on me, but you, international rock band U2, found the time and level of comfort to put Songs of Innocence onto every electronic device I own.

And I didn’t even need to open it in front of my family! The Enlightment on a Spring Dashboard Jesus my Aunt gave me got some looks from my religious mother. So did the Red Cross medicine flask my brother gave my sister. Imagine how much better it would be, if my Aunt had jimmied the lock of my car and glued the the Enlightment on a Spring Dashboard Jesus to the dashboard. No looks! And the flask, if my brother had the foresight to slip it into my sister’s bag when she was taking it off the turnstile at the airport. And really, I would have gotten some strange looks if I’d had to unwrap Songs of Innocence. See, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t really like your music. In fact, I’ve criticized you more than once for using simple chord progressions with oversimplified political messages to seem deep. Opening your album would have been quite the snafu!

What really makes it a great gift though is the way that I can’t actually remove it from my iPhone or laptop. The furthest it can go is the cloud, from where it inexplicably returns when I put my music on shuffle at the gym. Can you even imagine the pleasant surprise of having a gift song come on while you’re riding a stationary bike? It’s like a little bit of your munificent spirit of giving is following me everywhere I go, whether I want it to or not. The flannel shirt my cousin gave me is great and all, but it would be so much better if she had sewn it into my skin. She could have hooked some wire through the buttonholes, if she was half the gift-giver you were, Bono, Edge, and the rest.

Anywho, what size sweaters do you guys wear? I wouldn’t want to just receive a gift. It would diminish the spirit of the season. I eagerly await hearing from you, and I know it’ll be soon. My iTunes is on shuffle.

Sincerely,

Ryan

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One thought on “Thank You, U2

  1. Pingback: This Month in Writing: February | Ryan Bradley

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